TITLE: _What keeps me
AUTHOR: Rain_
E-MAIL: Raindrop3143@yahoo.com_
DISTRIBUTION: Just please let me know
RATING: R_
CATEGORIES: MSR_
KEYWORDS: Scully POV
SPOILERS: all things
SUMMARY: A storm, some tea and a Gray's jersey
Disclaimer: Not mine, but I love them! 
Author's Notes: This is my first attempt at writing fic and 
I thought Havens 'First Passionate Kiss' challenge would 
be the perfect place to put it. I would really love feedback, 
however honest it may be. Thank you for reading and thank you 
so much to ejfurnia, Secretagentgirl and Bellefleur who beta read 
this for me. It was so much help. 


I think that maybe the rain awoke me last night on his couch. I am 
never quite sure what it is that pulls me from slumber. It may have 
been the rustling around in the room beyond the wall that lay 
behind me. One thing was for sure, Mulder was still awake, and I 
was not ready to face him. I had just laid it all before him... 
so to speak. Mulder may be a brilliant man but I am not sure he 
was ready to figure out the riddle that is me. One thing is for 
sure, not a single man had been up to the task in the past. 
If anyone could do it, it would be Mulder. The thought crossed my 
mind to just get up and walk in to his room and... be honest... 
and humane. Then again the couch was very warm and I was still 
half asleep. I drifted off again.


This time when I wake I am sure the thunder did it, and my heart is 
still racing from the crash outside. I make my way to the window in 
the flat. The rain has gained confidence while mine was still quite 
shaky. Puddles have formed at random on the battered streets 
outside Hagel Place. The entire building seemed to change with the 
weather, the air turned humid and the walls in apartment 42 have 
grown rather damp and musty. This man seriously needs to 
consider a newer place. 


I glance at the coffee table and consider washing up our tea cups. 
Then I glance back out the window and think about driving home. 
The rain will keep me here tonight, I am sure of that. It will 
keep me here to make decisions and choices that I would not face 
otherwise. 


I am drifting and I know it, avoiding the obvious question, obvious 
to me at least. When was the last time I had been open with a man? 
Had I ever? My relationships never lasted very long, then again 
neither did I, in any particular place. Emotions have never been my 
strong point. Talking has always provided problems for me. I am 
sure of myself in a lot of ways but not in the way of communicating. 
I am far more emotional then most people give me credit for. I am a 
flood waiting to happen and I have a very strong dam.


 Would Mulder think I had dropped off the deep end if I went in 
there and woke him up to talk about the progression of our 
relationship? My curiosities might have been getting the better of 
me lately. The subtle glances and touches we have become so good 
at using to communicate are useless when leaping from one kind of 
relationship to the next. This next step is too large and too self-
sacrificing. When I grab his hand I know he feels me there but I 
want him know for how long and how much. Then again maybe he 
already knows. 


One thing was sure, it has been a long time since I have been in a 
relationship and the idea scares the shit out of me. I sigh and turn 
away from the window intent upon taking the leap as they say. 
There was so many logical reasons not to but I could not seem the 
give them any credence. 


The few steps to his bedroom door seem like a mile to me and the 
sound of it opening is deafening. I know in my soul that he loves 
me. I may even be the most important person in his life and yet I 
cannot seem to push myself into the depth of his bedroom. I can 
see him sleeping. I became accustomed to the dark of his apartment 
a while ago. I know I will be staying here tonight. I would not 
drive in this state of mind and weather. Mulder's bed looked much 
more comfortable then the lumpy leather albeit wonderfully bachelor 
leather couch. I would much rather sleep in here and I am betting 
Mulder would rather me in here as well. So what... do I wake him up 
and establish some sort of definition to our relationship?  I always 
know the type of relationship I am in. One night stand, Its good to 
know what those are so as not to tread there again. Friends with 
benefits, benefits for the guy at least. Boyfriend, I don't see 
Mulder as ever being my boyfriend, lover maybe but not boyfriend.  
If Mulder were able to access these thoughts he would roll his eyes. 
Not everything needs to be that cut and dry. I am holding my breath 
as if the sound of it would wake him and he would catch me.


Lover.


Lover works for me. That can shift and mold to fit whatever state of 
mind I happen to be in. I had never tried lover before. I start to 
think about the best way to make my way to him as I spot his 
dresser. More importantly the pile of semi folded clothes on top of 
it. The Grays jersey is sitting on the top of the pile. It would be 
comfortable to sleep in. As would his bed. I trust him, so I quickly 
put on the jersey. The darkness of his room covers me as I strip off
my clothes and lay them carefully on the shelf at the side. How 
could I ever let them fall to the ground? Maybe another day when 
Mulder is awake I will not take the time. Tonight I am stalling. 


I feel brazen as I walked to the side of his bed, I can feel the 
soft smooth feeling of my legs rubbing together and my breasts 
rubbing against the ruff inside of the shirt. I felt sexy for a 
moment, and now I stand here frozen. He is gorgeous, covered in 
the slight amount of light coming through the window and the storm. 
I am already tingling with arousal. I have made up my mind to follow 
this through. I pull back the comforter to find that he doesn't seem 
to believe in sheets, the blanket covers him up completely and now I 
see that he is wearing plaid pajama pants and nothing else. He is 
facing the side of the bed I am standing on, I banish any doubts in 
my over active mind and climb in carefully trying not to wake him. 
Secretly I want him to wake and find me there before morning but 
as I snuggle in and get comfy his eyes drift open. 
I glance up to see him smiling at me. 


A hand reaches out and fingers the cotton hanging to my elbows. 


"Looks good on you" He says, sleep still clinging to the edges
of his psyche. His eyes dart down and back up mentally logging 
the bare legs and feet. 


A meek smile and a duck of my head "Thanks" tells him everything 
he needs to know. I am shy and that says everything. Mentally I 
chastise myself for being so see through but when I look up again I 
am met with the most tender and sincere expression I have ever 
seen. Maybe it will be alright. He is unlike other men I have been 
with in every way. He is driven, true but lately just as driven
for me as anything else. Maybe I can react to him. Maybe I will not 
disappear this time. 


A strong arm circles my waist and lands on the small of my back 
and I am being pulled to him. He smells warm and the crook of his 
neck is soft. His hand brushes through my hair and down my back 
and up again. I could be lulled to sleep easily. He sighs 
dramatically, though I sense that his heart is not in it. 
He is just feeling me out. 


"What is on your mind," He asks. What do I say to that? I cannot
have a conversation with him about this. I am completely unable 
to put my thoughts into words. I look into his eyes for a moment,
maybe longer and decide to show him.
My hand slides easily from his arm to the side of his neck. 
His eyes widen a fraction; if I weren't so 
hyper aware I would have missed it. I kiss his lips softly. 
His lips part slightly, just enough for me to drive my point home. 
My tongue slips into his mouth and meets his. The kiss was warm 
and tender and everything I would want our first kiss to be. 
It might as well be our first kiss. His hand finds its way up 
to my hair and works to deepen our kiss. I continue to yield to 
him, savoring every moment  of it.


I can feel this and nothing else. The sounds of the storm are no 
more then a murmur now, and the tree limbs slamming into the 
pains of the window are nothing more then a tapping sound. His 
sighs and small moans are loud and sincere and I love being lost in 
this moment. I am driving the kiss now. I need no help from him. 
What was I so nervous about? Pouting lips may drive a woman crazy 
while at work in a serious situation but here in this bed I could
have them for eternity.  His lips leave mine suddenly and I pout 
at the loss. I am still tucked close to his face and I wonder 
fleetingly if he is having second thoughts. 
Is he wondering what we are? If so I have 
nothing to give him other then myself. 


I can vaguely feel his hand on my hip, under his shirt. His deep 
breath and slight nudge of his hips tells me he has figured out 
that I am not wearing anything other then his jersey. I can feel 
him hard and hot through the layers of cotton between us. 
He still needs confirmation that this is what I want. 


His eyes are concerned when I pull back to look at him. He brushes 
my hair from my face and holds it steady. Like if he were to 
let go I would break. My belly feels unbelievably warm and yet 
he still makes no move. He looks, scans my face, my eyes. I could
be anything with this man, anything at all. He will never push 
and I owe it to him to not make him guess. I lift my leg up to 
hook around his hip and press my belly into his erection. Something
similar to pain crosses his features before he pulls my hand over
my head and settles himself between my legs. The weight of him 
feels wonderful and he takes to the task of kissing me again, 
this time everywhere but my mouth. My pulse seems to interest 
him as I pull my arm free and rake my fingers down his back. 


A growl and a thrust and I am undone. I am really going to do this. 
The most coherent thought in my mind is "I am going to fuck my 
partner" or be fucked given the position we are in. My hands do not 
make the trip back to his shoulders until his pajama pants are 
pushed over his hips and halfway down his legs. I am vaguely aware 
that I should hold on as my hands move to grip his shoulders again 
and he slowly enters me. It's agonizingly slow but necessary to 
make the proper accommodations for his size. He stretches me 
slightly and fills me deeply before shuddering and letting his head 
fall to my shoulder. 


Silence other then our breathing is filling the room and Mulder is 
still. I want to grab his hips and make him move but I also want to 
savor the moment. Why must all the men I end up with be more 
romantic then I? Finally he glances up to me with a guilty smile on 
his face.


"Guess I rushed a bit, huh?" For a moment I am confused. He nods 
his head down at us and I realize that I am still wearing the same 
amount of clothes as when I came to bed. "Sorry about that," he 
grumbles. 


I don't care, not one bit. I rock my hips and offer him a Cheshire 
grin, he bites his bottom lip. That right there could do me in. 
I close my eyes and roll my head back rocking my hips up to his 
again. He gets the hint and soon we are in a delicious rhythm. 
My arms are around his back and my legs wrapped around his hips. 
It is slow but it creates so much warmth. I feel at any moment 
an orgasm is going to claim me but it doesn't. 
It's sweet torture and for a moment I feel 
that part of my body is missing out. Mulder seems to read my mind 
and he grabs my legs from around his back and sets them at his 
sides. Settling back on his heels he continues to thrust into me.
With a sudden lack of anything to hold onto I reach back to hold 
his bed as he begins to slowly unbutton the jersey, starting with 
the bottom. 


Mulder must have been the type of kid that when given a gift he 
pulls at the taped parts and keeps the wrapping in one piece. I 
would never have thought about him that way before this 'snap' 
knuckles brush my sensitive abdomen and then a palm down caress. 
I moan louder then I ever remember moaning before and I elicit a 
grunt and a fast thrust from my lover. Another moan... this is an 
uphill cycle we are going on here. He seems unhappy with it and he 
slows his movements. I sigh and prepare myself.


With a shaky hand he pops another button. His hands drift under 
the fabric again to my lower ribs and my hands dart down to stop 
him and I bubble up with a fit of giggling that I certainly hadn't 
heard come from my mouth in a very long time. Mulder stops his 
thrusting, his hands held flat to my sides and his brow reaches for 
the ceiling.


Wait, Isn't that my job? Turning his hands over he grasps mine and 
for a moment looks at me softly. I feel so adored it makes my 
stomach flutter, until he pulls my hands over my head again and 
grins down at me. My stomach is mush, I am mush. He kisses me 
deeply. Not in the same way as before but with intent. I moan again. 


Thrust


Moan 


He bites his lip. "God you are sexy, Scully" I smile the most self 
assured smile I can manage and one thing is for sure, I have never 
before felt as sexy as I do now. I leave my arms where they are in 
his grasp and lift my mouth to his and I suck his tongue into my 
mouth. I suckle it for a moment reveling in the uneven course his 
breathing has taken. When he pulls back he lets his hands run down 
my arms and all the way to my sides again. This time it doesn't 
tickle. I make a sound like I just had a bite of the most creamy ice-
cream ever created. I am thoroughly ready to be fucked and I think 
he knows it.


 He picks up a rhythm that is fast and sure and within moments I am 
moaning constantly. It feels natural and primal and deep within me 
and I love every second of it. He is finished playing with the shirt 
now and decides its time to open it. All the buttons undone, it lays 
covering my breasts but still rubbing in a most erotic fashion. 


Mulder leans in and nudges the shirt to one side with his nose and 
captures one of my nipples in his teeth and my hands move from 
their place and grip his hair. "Mulder" I gasp as his hand comes to 
take care of the other side. Its what I need to push me over that 
sweet edge and Blur is all I see as I grab him up to face me and let 
my orgasm take me. I bury my face into his neck and my nails into 
his back. For what seems like the first time tonight I don't make a 
sound, and the waves of it wash over me. I am vaguely aware of 
Mulder's back arching up and I pull myself together and watch him 
throw his head back in ecstasy. Our thrusting lost all rhythm and I 
wait as he empties into me. He falls to me sated and trembling. 
After a few moments he pulls me with him as he rolls on his back. 
My hand falls to his chest and I snuggle into him. "You're 
trembling," I say, lifting myself to look at him. 


"Mmm Hmm, Put your hands down to your sides" I do so and off 
comes the shirt. Finally. Mulder sits up and tosses the shirt to its 
place on the dresser and pulls me around so that he is spooning 
against me. 


"Don't you need to wash it now?"


"Never" he mumbles as he drifts off to sleep. I smile as I feel him 
jerk a few times and then settle into a deep sleep. 


I watch the clock. I don't want to disturb him so I wait until it 
reads 5:30 and I untangle myself from him. I collect my clothes from 
the shelf and pull myself together in his bathroom with speed. 
I need time to make it across town, to change into the lowest cut 
tightest suit I own and still have enough left over to grab my 
lover coffee. As I pass the bed I look at his peacefully sleeping 
form and for a moment I let myself believe that I had caused that. 
I do not let the idea stay. The coming weeks will tell. I can't get 
myself too giddy this early. I am still... me. I leave as quietly
as I can with a smile playing on my lips despite myself.